This Is What You Don't See Behind the Scenes

02:15 · Leaving Out the Unfinished Parts of the Story

Two and a half years ago, I had a triple bypass. I'll let that sit for a second because I don't talk about it much on this show or ever. It doesn't fit the narrative, right? The guy teaching you about freedom and reinvention, betting on yourself, he's supposed to have it all figured out. He's supposed to be the example. He's not supposed to be the guy whose chest got cracked open because his heart was failing. But that's what happened. Two and a half years ago, I was in an operating room and a surgeon was rerouting blood around the parts of my heart that had stopped working correctly.

You'd think something like that would change everything and for a while it did. I came out of that experience with clarity, with intention and with of how fragile this whole thing is and how much I wanted to do it differently. I tried to eat better. I tried to move more and I paid attention to the signals my body was sending instead of ignoring them. But there's always a butt. Here's what I haven't told you. I've drifted back. Not all the way, but enough. More than enough. The eating has gotten looser. The movement has slowed down. and the urgency has faded dramatically. I've started doing this thing where I check my numbers, blood pressure, cholesterol, the stuff the doctors measure. And I tell myself that because the numbers look good. I must be fine.

04:30 · The Reckoning: Admitting I’m Still in the Messy Middle

Blood pressure is solid. Tests come back clean. The dashboard says I'm healthy. And I use that I use those numbers as permission to not change, to not push myself, and to stay comfortable, which is probably the same exact logic that got me to the operating table in the first place. I feel fine. The numbers look okay until one day they didn't. until one day I was in a hospital gown finding out that my heart was failing. You'd think I would have learned that lesson. You'd think having my chest opened up would be enough to permanently change my behavior. But that's not how humans work, is it?

At least that's not how I work. I drift. I forget. I let the urgency fade until the next crisis reminds me what matters. I'm in a drift right now and I know it and I haven't stopped it. There's something else. Something I've never said out loud on this podcast and honestly something I've barely admitted to myself. I'm afraid to exercise. I'm not lazy. I'm not undisiplined. I'm just afraid. Let me explain. My father died at 83 years old. And the thing that killed him was the same procedure that saved my life, a triple bypass. Granted, he was 83 and I was 48, but that doesn't change the fact that he went in for the surgery and he didn't come out.

06:45 · Triple Bypass Surgery and the Story I Rarely Tell

I wasn't there because it was co. But I watched what happened to our family. I watched my mother lose her husband of 55 years. And I watched what it did to all of us. And now I carry that in my body. Somewhere deep down below the rational part of my brain, I believe that if I push myself too hard, if I get my heart rate up too high, and if I really exert myself, if I actually try, my heart will give out. just like his did. Now, I know that doesn't make logical sense. I know the doctors would tell me that exercise is exactly what the heart needs. I know the data. I know the research. I know that cardiac rehab exists precisely because movement helps hearts heal.

But fear doesn't live in the logical part of the brain. Fear lives in the body and my body believes that exercise is what kills men in my family. So, I don't do it. I check my blood pressure instead. I look at the numbers on the dashboard. I tell myself I'm fine, and I stay still. Here's what I've realized, and it's the reason I'm telling you this. The thing that could save me is the thing I'm afraid will kill me. That's the trap I'm in. The very thing that would strengthen my heart, extend my life, let me be here for my family. I'm too afraid to do it because I'm convinced it might be the thing that ultimately takes me out. And when I really sit with that, when I really let myself feel how stuck I am, I realize something.

This is the same fear I ask you all to face every single episode. I ask you to leave the job to bet on yourself to trust the process even when the outcome is uncertain. I ask you to leap without knowing if the net will appear. And here I am unable to go for a 30 minute brisk walk because I'm scared my heart won't make it. Same fear, different domain. I'm asking you to take risks I'm not willing to take myself. Not because I'm a hypocrite. I don't think it's that simple. But because fear doesn't care about consistency. Fear doesn't care that you teach one thing and live another.

09:20 · How I Drifted Back Into Old Patterns After the Wake-Up Call

Fear just shows up and does what it does. And I wanted you to know that about me, that I'm fighting the same thing you're fighting, that the guy on the other end of the podcast isn't standing on a mountaintop with all the answers. He's in the valley with us trying to find his way through. Now, I want to talk about my family because this is where it gets harder for me to say out loud. My wife, Kelly, knows all of this. She's been with me through the surgery, through the recovery, through the drift, back to the old patterns. She's watched me make promises and break them.

She's watched me say I'm going to change and then not. For a while, she pushed. She asked me about my health. She'd encourage me to exercise, to eat better, to take care of myself. She'd bring it up, not nagging, but caring because she loves me and because she too is scared. But the family that's supposed to be the center of everything, they get what's left of me, the fumes. I have energy for other people's kids. My own family gets the exhausted version of Kevin. And I've justified that to myself in a hundred different ways. I'm building something. The podcast matters. The coaching matters. I'm making a difference. But my wife stopped asking me for things because she learned I wouldn't show up. My kids are growing up with a father who's present but not really there.

That's the cost. That's the cost of this path that I don't talk about when I'm painting the vision of a dream economy for you. It's not just the hours. It's not just the hustle. It's the presence. It's the people who love you getting the version of you that's already spent. It's watching someone who loves you slowly stop reaching for you because she's learned you won't reach back. I'm building something out here. But what am I building at home? Seriously, I don't have a clean answer for you on this one. I'm not going to wrap it in a bow and tell you it's all figured out and everything's great. I haven't. I'm in the middle of it. I'm sitting with the weight of knowing that the people I love most are getting the least of me and I haven't fixed it yet. There's something else I've oversimplified.

12:10 · Fear of Exercise, Family History, and What My Body Remembers

And this one is going to require me to go back to something I told you in season one. If you've been with me from the beginning, you've heard my story. You know about my journey through addiction. I told that story because I believe in transparency and I believe our struggles are part of what give us the authority to speak about transformation. I've been through something. I came out the other side. That's part of what qualifies me to talk to you about change. But here's what I didn't say. What I don't think anyone says enough. The way I told that story, there was a shape to it. A beginning, a middle, and an end.

I was lost and I found my way. I struggled and I got through it. I made it sound like a chapter that closed. Like addiction was something that happened to me, past tense. And now I'm the guy on the other side who helps other people through their own transformations. And that's not wrong exactly, but it's incomplete because sobriety isn't a line you cross. Let me say this. Sobriety isn't a line I cross. It hasn't been a destination that I've arrived at. It's not a chapter that has been closed and it's not a badge that I've earned and then put in a drawer. It's daily. It's ongoing. It's practice that never stops.

Some days are easier than others. Some days the old pull is barely a whisper in the back of your mind, easy to ignore, almost forgot. But other days it's loud. Other days it takes real effort to stay on the path. The struggle doesn't end just because the story sounds finished. When I told you my story in season 1, I made it sound cleaner than it is. Okay? I gave you the narrative arc because that's what stories are supposed to have. A transformation, a resolution, an ending. But recovery doesn't work that way. Recovery is a practice, not an achievement. It's something you do every day, not something you do once.

15:05 · The Trap: Why the Thing That Heals Feels Like the Thing That Could Kill Me

And I'm still practicing. and practicing probably harder than ever. I think we do a disservice when we tell transformation stories like they're over. Like the person on the other side has it all handled now. Like once you've been through something, you're done being through it. Because that's not how it works. Not with addiction anyway. not with health and not with any of the deep changes we're trying to make in our lives. The work continues. The practice continues. You don't graduate. And when we pretend otherwise, when we tell our stories like they have clean endings, we make everyone who's still in the middle of their own story feel like they're failing. We make them think that everyone else has it figured out and they're the only ones still struggling.

That's a lie. We're all still struggling. Some of us are just better at making it sound like we're not. So, I wanted to set the record straight, at least about myself, the guy talking to you about the dream economy, about transformation, about building something different. I'm not done. I'm still in it. The work continues on. And that's the part that I left out of season 1. There are days I sit down to record this podcast. Days like today, and I don't fully believe my own message. I want to believe it. I believe it most of the time. But some days the doubt is louder than the conviction. Some days I wonder if any of this matters. If anyone's actually listening.

17:40 · Teaching Transformation While Still Struggling Myself

If I can move the needle at all or if I'm just making noise into the void, the engagement is growing. I can see that in the numbers, right? Analytics on YouTube and these other platforms are great. People are responding. Messages are coming in. That's real. That feels like something is landing. But there hasn't been any more leads as of yet. The market doesn't really know I exist. I'm trying to build something and I'm asking myself the same questions I imagine you ask yourself when you're in the middle of building something. Is this working? Will anyone care? Can I actually make this thing into what I see in my head? And the answer is I don't know. I don't have certainty about this.

But I do have commitment and I have conviction most days. But certainty, no. I'm running on faith that if I keep showing up, if I keep putting these ideas out there, if I keep being honest with you, something is going to come out of it for someone. Some days that faith feels strong. Other days it feels like I'm fooling myself. You want to know what I do on the days when I don't believe my own message? I show up anyway. I sit down at the microphone, pull up my notes, and I start talking. I speak the person I'm trying to become into existence and hope it becomes real.

I perform the version of myself that has it together, that knows where this is going, that believes in the vision. That's not dishonest act exactly. I think that's actually how a lot of change works. You act your way into a new identity. You become who you're pretending to be. You fake it until it stops being fake. But it also means I'm not teaching you from the summit of the mountain. I'm teaching you from somewhere in the middle of the climb, catching my breath, not sure how much farther it is to the top. Not even sure there is a top. And some days that does feel like fraud.

20:30 · The Hidden Cost to My Marriage and Family

Some days I wonder if I have any business talking to you about transformation when I'm so clearly still in the middle of my own. But then I think maybe that's exactly who should be talking to everybody. Maybe the guy on the summit has forgotten what the climb feels like. Maybe the person who's already made it can't remember what it's like to not know if you're going to make it. Maybe you don't need someone who's arrived. Maybe you need someone who's on the path a few steps ahead calling back to tell you what's coming. That's what I'm trying to be. That's who I actually am. So, why am I telling you all this? I thought a lot about that question.

Whether this episode is for you or it's for me, whether I'm being generous by sharing or selfish by processing my stuff in public. And it's both. Sorry to say, but it's both. Um, that said, I do hope it's more for you than for me. Here's what I want you to take from this. I'm not your guru. I never was, but maybe I let you believe that a little bit. Maybe I let myself believe it. I'm not the guy who figured it all out and came back to show you the way. I'm not the success story waiting for you at the end of your journey. I'm your fellow traveler. I'm on the same road dealing with the same fear, fighting the same patterns, and wondering the same things you're wondering.

And maybe maybe that's more useful to you than a guru would be because here's what I know about the climb from being on it. You'll drift back to old patterns even after something breaks you open. Even after life gives you the clearest possible sign that you need to change, you'll find yourself sliding back into the old grooves. You'll have people who love you stop asking for what they need because they've learned you won't deliver. You'll damage relationships without meaning to just by being too tired, too tapped out, too caught up in your own stuff to show up the way they need you to. You'll tell your story like it has an ending and then discover the story is still being written.

23:50 · Sobriety as a Daily, Ongoing Practice - Not a Finished Chapter

You'll have days you don't believe in what you're building. You'll wonder if anyone's listening, if it matters, if you're fooling yourself. But you'll go up anyway. You'll keep going anyway. Not because you're certain, but because you're also committed. And the things you thought you'd conquered, they'll show up again. They'll ask to be fought one more time. That's not failure. That's just how it works. So, the work continues. So, if you're in the messy middle right now, I see you. If you're scared, I see you. If you're showing up even when you don't feel like it, I see you. If you're fighting something that doesn't stay beaten, I'm with you. I'm right there with you. I'm not ahead of you. I'm not behind you. I am right next to you. Different path, same mountain.

Let's figure it out together. Funnily enough, next week's episode is the health revolution. Redesigning work around well-being instead of sacrificing your body for income. stories of people who figured out how to prioritize their health while building something meaningful. Because maybe the guy who's still afraid to exercise is exactly who should be talking about redesigning work around well-being. Maybe my struggle gives me something to offer that an expert wouldn't have. Not because I figured it out, but precisely because I haven't. I think there's something honest in that. I know there's something honest in that, something useful. The reckoning isn't the end of this story. It's what makes the rest of the story worth telling.

26:10 · Showing Up and Recording Even Without Belief or Certainty

If this episode meant something to you, if you're in your own reckoning right now, I really want to hear from you. Seriously, send me a message, leave me a voice note, tell me what you're carrying. One of the loneliest parts of the climb is thinking you're the only one struggling. You're not. I'm not. None of us are. We're just not always honest about it. So, let's be honest with each other. Reach out. You don't have to carry it alone. And if you know someone else who needs to hear this, someone in that messy middle, someone fighting their own battle, someone who needs to know they're not the only one, send them this episode.

You don't have to say anything. Just send them the link. Sometimes knowing you're not alone is enough to keep someone going. And if you haven't already, please hit the subscribe button so you don't miss what's coming. There's some absurd number like 98% of the people that listen to this show are not subscribed. We've got the Health Revolution next, followed by the rest of season two rolling out. And I'd love to have you along for the ride. And if you've got a minute, leave a review. It helps more people find this show. It helps the algorithm or whatever. But honestly, it also helps me know that someone is out there listening.

On the days when I wonder if any of this matters, those reviews are part of what keeps me going. You can find me on LinkedIn, Instagram, all the usual places. Links are all over the show notes and on the web page. Come say hello. I mean it. I read every message. I respond personally to every message. This isn't a broadcast. It's a conversation. Or at least I want it to be. Thank you for being here. Thank you for letting me be honest with you. And thank you for trusting me with your time. I'll see you in the next one. If this episode made you uncomfortable, good. That means you are paying attention. The future belongs to leaders who stop managing people like assets and start investing in them like humans. See you next time and remember, dreams aren't frivolous. Ignoring them is.